Anya's Personal Thoughts
by Love-el-ly Joy
Summary: Post-Season Seven. Xander finds Anya's diary and is, obviously, reading it. Diary entry is from post-The Gift Season Five finale .
1. Entry One

_A/N: Thought I'd squeeze in one more one-shot before tomorrow just to keep my rabid fans satiated. This is my first ever Xanya-centric fic. Yeah, I've written a bunch with them as a couple, but never one that was totally about them. I started writing an early version of this back in March in my notebook, and this is a total rewrite of it with the same idea. Well, maybe, now that I think about it, this could be not a one-shot. Hmm. I'll think about it when I get back from camp._

_Anya's Personal Thoughts_

I've never really thought of myself as the crying type.

I mean, sure, I shed some tears when Buffy died, but not really total blow-out sobs. That was always Willow's thing. I was the one that disappeared, went catatonic for a few days, and then came back to be greeted with hugs.

But now… it looks like I just came out of a huge rainstorm. If Anya were just gone, I would be able to accept it. Move on, even. But she didn't. Disappear, I mean. She left little traces all around. That was the kind of ice cream we ate that one night; that was the spoon we shared. That's where Anya and I first kissed in a public place.

This little flower-covered book that I'm holding in my hands.

As soon as I found it under Anya's bed, I knew that it was her diary. I could feel her in it. I knew that her spirit existed within the pages; that he unrestrained sarcasm and truth was embedded there.

I can't take it anymore. I throw open the cover, reading the little title that she wrote on the first page. It's surrounded by little flowers and hearts and it reads, "_The Diary of Anya Christina Emmanuella [future] Harris._"

_Dear Diary,_

_It's weird, isn't it? I had to get a new diary the day after I got engaged. I had my other one in my jacket pocket and it kind of got shredded. It's pretty disappointing. I wanted to keep it to show my fat grandchildren when they're standing around my deathbed. Xander will probably have read it already by then, though, because I want him to know everything about me. Actually, Xander won't be standing by my deathbed. Probably. Women tend to live longer than men. So Xander will already have died of a disease or of old age. If he dies of old age, I'll have to have his face fixed up for him so that he doesn't have wrinkles forever when he's in his coffin._

_Oh, yeah, and Buffy also died yesterday. I forgot about that. But it's not like I have to remember, since we've already decided to bring her back. So now we just have to take care of Dawn, Giles, and Spike since they're not in on it. Mostly Spike. Dawn's dealing. She should be. She was the one that got to be with Buffy for her last few moments. She heard her final words. None of the rest of us did. Dawn told us what she said, but we can never be sure what she's omitting or making up, since she's known to be a liar._

Xander laughed. Anya.

_So, anyway, my ring is gorgeous. I can't wait until I can show it off to everyone else. They're going to be so jealous. Especially Buffy, since she can't keep a steady boyfriend for longer than a year and a half. I should call Cordelia and brag about it to her, too. Just make up something else to talk to her about and then mention it in passing. Like, "Oh, yeah, the… um… chupacabras are taking over the world. And by the way, Xander and I got engaged!"_

_Well, that's all I have to say for now._

_Toodles,_

_Anya __J_


	2. Entry Two

_A/N: By the request of a buncha peeps, I'm going to CONTINUE ANYA'S DIARY! YAY! This is going to be such a fun experience both for me and for you guys. Writing for Anya's brain is such a dream come true and I'm so glad you guys like it. The only thing that I don't know if you guys realize is that it's Xander reading it. This is post-Season Seven; Anya is dead. Okay? And, just so we're clear, I'm not posting any more chapters until you review. Even if only one person reviews the story, I'll keep writing for that one person. But, you know, if you all want to review and tell your friends, that's great too. *wink, wink.*_

_Anya's Personal Thoughts_

_Entry Two_

I shook my head, laughing slightly. Anya. She was quite the girl, wasn't she? And I'd found her core. What she was thinking inside. This was it. This was who she really was.

_Dear Diary,_

_Xander won't tell them we're engaged._

_I mean, at first I could see why, but now I'm just annoyed. It's stupid. He's stupid, even though I would never tell him that. He's best friends with Willow the Stupid Witch and she could put a curse on me. She could turn me into a troll and force me to stay with Olaf for all eternity._

_I take that back. Xander's not stupid most of the time. Just, like… twenty percent of the time he's an idiot._

_Anyway, why can't I tell them? It's not like there's anything else happy going on around here. I mean, Dawn's fifteenth birthday. Big whoop. She's completely useless. The only one that cares about her coming-of-learner's-permit age is Spike, and that's only because he knows that Buffy would make a big deal over it and he wants to please her, wherever she is. He wants Dawn to have a good life, which is, nice, yeah, but Useless Child can have a happy childhood without a birthday cake. So our engagement would be good. Like a shiny nickel lying on the street during the Depression._

_I tried to tell Xander that but he won't buy it. I guess his defense kind of makes sense, too - "An, I don't want to have to announce it twice; once for the current gang and once for Buffy" - but it's obvious that I'm right and he's very, very wrong._

_Besides that, if we don't tell them soon, how will I be able to find dresses for my bridesmaids? Most colors don't go with Willow's god-awful red hair, so there's no way I'll be able to find matching dresses in time that'll look good on everyone I want in the wedding party. Xander doesn't understand these things since he's such an accursed male. This is EXACTLY why I spent a thousand years punishing men. It's men like him that spoil the world for everyone else._

_But, you know, I guess there wouldn't be any more women if it weren't for men, so they're at least good for something._

_Dawn's starting ninth grade this year. She's a freshman and an annoying one at that. I hope she gets picked on - people shoving her head in toilets and putting her in trash cans, et cetera. I've read about that. One time I put a spell on this guy as a wish for this girl. He went out with her just so that he could trick her into getting a swirly. So I put a curse on him so that his head is stuck for eternity in a toilet in a public restroom. That was one of the few times when the girl was actually happy about the results of her wish._

_Oh, Dawn's yelling about something. I'd better go see what she's done now. She's so pesky that way._


	3. Entry Three

_A/N: It's here! Entry Three. Seriously, guys, I am so glad that you like to read this so much. I was honestly worried that you wouldn't like it xD In case you think I'm a super-duper amazing and hilariously funny while still retaining my character's personality and you want to read more fun stuff, I've posted most of the stuff I wrote while I was on vacation in British Columbia/Washington State and at camp. Not NEARLY all of it is up, but there are like ten one-shots and a few multi-chapters. Well, anyway, this takes place in the middle of Bargaining, parts one and two, after the Scooby meeting where Willow says they're going to bring Buffy back. Well, that's when the journal entry is from. As you know, Xander's reading it post-Season Seven. Not in line with the comics. But you guys told me that you like Anya hating on Dawn… so I'm piling on the Dawn-hate in this one ;-) xD Even though I love Dawn. I'm finding her flaws and emphasizing them through Anya. Yay! xD_

_Anya's Personal Thoughts_

_Entry Three_

Moving on to the third entry in this little book that is quickly taking over my life, I pause and think about how lucky I am. After she killed Angel, Buffy didn't stick around long enough to find his journal, even though she knew he kept one. After Tara died, Willow turned evil and wasn't really concerned with Tara much anymore. Besides, I'm pretty sure Tara didn't keep a journal or a diary.

I'm the only one of us with anything to hold on to.

And that's what I'm doing, I realize. Just clinging to Anya's diary, praying that I don't fall from the cliff that I'm hanging off of. Because if I fall, I'll go down, down, down, where no one, not even my best friends, can find me again.

All right, I'll can the metaphorical crap. The point is, if I lost this journal or read something in it that even suggested that Anya didn't love me as much as I loved her, I might have to kill myself. Even so, even though I know the pain and misery that it can cause me, I can't stop reading. I have to know her thoughts, feelings, just as she always seemed to know mine.

She has to live on through me.

I'm the only one she's got.

"_Tomorrow night, we meet here. We're bringing Buffy back."_

_Or, you know, something stupid like that._

_Willow is a complete and total idiot. Remember how I said that Xander was an idiot sometimes? Well, Willow is _**ALWAYS**_ an idiot._

_We're bringing Buffy back from the dead. I mean, I was all for it at the beginning of the summer. I still am. But it isn't time yet! I don't think any of us are ready to do what we'll need to do if something happens while she's coming back. What if she's a zombie or even some kind of vampire? The Powers that Be are really big on poetic justice like that. Buffy killed all those vamps and demons and then she comes back as one and we have to stake her._

_I think we should tell Spike and Giles, too. Not Dawn, because she tried to bring Joyce back and it didn't exactly work and the little brat thinks that just because she can't do something means that no one can do it. But Spike loves Buffy with all of his heart. Sure, it would be the surprise of all surprises when she walked through the front door and didn't great him with an overly-cheerful "Hello Spike, the monsters of Sunnydale cower from your strong, amazingly tough fighting skills!", but still. He might, like, go into shock or something. And Giles… is there such a thing as British shock? He would be continuously mechanically cleaning his glasses and saying, "Oh, dear lord!" and we'd be out of teabags by the time he came to his senses._

_But Dawn doesn't deserve to know. She's so annoying and stupid and I wish she would just explode and never come back. She's really starting to get on my nerves now. Plus, she's been stealing stuff from the Magic Box for months and she thinks I don't notice. Well, I do, and she's going to pay for it with her LIFE. A life of cleaning and working and paying back what she took. With interest._


	4. Entry Four

_A/N: You guys know that if you give me an idea, I'll probably run with it, right? If you have a certain event from Season Six that you want me to write about, the odds of me doing it are in your favor. Unless it's post-Entropy. I have a firm no-writing-smut-of-any-kind policy because my dad could choose to drop by my page at any moment, and there's no way I could write about Entropy without talking about it. Other than that, though, we got Open Idea Mic. And the gods have spoken: five of the six of you people have been loving the Dawn hate, so… I guess it will continue. Poor little Dawny. In this chapter, I tried to Xander-up Xander. You know, make him less depressed and more with the funny._

_Anya's Personal Thoughts: Entry Four_

Seriously, why did Anya hate Dawn so much? I mean, I know that Dawn stole stuff from the Magic Box a lot, but… well, I guess stealing is a good reason to hate someone. The only other thing that I think could make me hate Dawn is finding out that she's a cannibal, and even then I'd probably be too scared to hate her. Because Cannibal Dawn? That's a scary picture. I don't want to go there. Really. That would be… bad. The epic point of all badness.

Day Four. I've been pacing myself to make sure I don't read the whole journal at one time. I mean, then I would just have this hole inside with nothing to fill it. No, I will read one page each day, and that will be enough to keep me sane until I can fly out to Europe to be with Buffy and Willow.

_Dear Diary,_

_She's back. Buffy, I mean. We brought her back to life. Then some biker demons killed the Bot, which sucked, but at least we don't have to figure out where we can pay someone to melt her down. Not Buffy, the Bot. Anyway, she's all weird and stuff. I don't think she's punned once since she came back. I think I know what happened, though._

_I think she went to Heaven._

_That's what Willow doesn't understand. Buffy died. She DIED. It isn't like she got sucked through a portal. The energy killed her. That's what I've been trying to tell them all summer, but they don't believe me. They're all too obsessed with their stupid little hate of slaying to listen to me, even though I'm the smartest one in the group. They just want their friend back. They wanted to bring her back and have her just the way she was, puns included. Well, it didn't work, and now they can't figure out what's going on._

_I know what really happened, though._

_But for now, I have to go around like everyone else and act like I have no idea of what happened, out of respect for Buffy. If she wanted them to know, she would tell them. I have to do what she would want, since I'm the only real friend she has left._


End file.
